Organizational Change Begins With Personal Change

When we think about how to get from HERE to THERE, company’s methods are usually limited to adopting the structures, systems, processes, and practices of best-in-class organizations.  Yet many failed change initiatives (e.g., TQM, BPR) are because of a FLAWED ASSUMPTION: while new behaviors and attitudes are the goal, the best–or only–method for getting there is through influencing non-human factors like organizational structure, work processes, or performance management system.

NOT!

This flaw draws attention away from a far more powerful assumption–that the best way to influence behavior is for those with the vision to begin behaving differently, to live the vision.

Leaders care enough about the changes that need to occur that they say and do the many things that are needed to influence others and outcomes. The best way to exert this influence is in the conversations we hold. It is in these types of conversations that transformational moments are created and reality is confronted on a personal level, and personal change becomes possible.

What keeps relationships, teams, and organizations stuck is our inability to foster dialogue around a few crucial conversations.

Only when individuals, beginning with leaders, actually talk candidly about behavior that is detracting from their goals–directly, specifically and immediately–can real change occur.

It’s the PEOPLE that matter, not the structure, systems, processes and practices. No commitment to change; no change! Commitment trumps structures, systems, and processes every time!

We can have these transformational moments when we:

• give honest feedback to teammates
• reveal people’s stories that excuses them from acting responsibly
• help people see the choices they have made and the impact

Conclusion

Staying “stuck” in old ways demands collusion and co-dependency. Everyone has to turn his or her back if people are to be allowed to continue their individual and collective dysfunction. In this way, people collude to not just allow mediocrity, but to create a self-sealing pattern that fights against improvement…fights against real change.

“It takes a village to produce continued mediocrity”

The only path that breaks old patterns is one that confronts them.This takes courageous leaders, starting at the top, to step up to the challenge of holding crucial conversations to help others see their roles in producing the results they want and to help them understand that new results require new behavior on their parts.

At some point we all get involved in a serious relationship, be it falling in love with a significant other, or simply establishing an amazingly close friendship.  As soon as this relationship is in place, both parties must do their part to nurture it.  When they fail to do so, solidarity is gradually replaced with suffering.

Although I sincerely hope your closest relationships are not suffering, if you have found yourself in this kind of predicament (as we all do sometimes), chances are the problem can be traced back to one or a few causes.  If your relationships are all rainbows and butterflies right now, consider yourself lucky – this list will simply provide some good food for thought.

1.  Presumed expectations about how someone “should be.”

You don’t love and appreciate someone because they’re perfect, you love and appreciate them in spite of the fact that they are not.  “Perfection” is a deadly fantasy – something none of us will ever be.  So beware of your tendency to “fix” someone when they’re NOT broken.  They are perfectly imperfect, just the way they should be.

Truthfully, the less you expect from someone you care about, the happier your relationship with them will be.  No one in your life will act exactly as you hope or expect them to, ever.  They are not YOU – they will not love, give, understand or respond like you do.

The biggest disappointments in life and in relationships are the result of misplaced expectations.  Tempering unrealistic expectations of how something or someone “should be” will greatly reduce unnecessary frustration and suffering.  (I’ve written about this extensively in the “Relationships” chapter of “ 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.”)

2.  Searching for the missing pieces of YOU in someone else.

When we’re feeling incomplete, we tend to go out looking for somebody else to complete us.  Initially we meet someone who’s compatible with us and they distract us from our deficiency, at least for a while.  Then a few months or years into the relationship, we find that we’re still feeling incomplete, so we blame our friend or lover.  It feels like they’ve changed, but in reality they haven’t; they’ve just become less of a distraction to our own growing, inner void.

Ultimately what you need to realize is that while a close friend or lover can add beautiful dimensions to your life, YOU are responsible for your own fulfillment.  Only you can complete yourself.  Nobody else can provide your missing pieces, and to believe otherwise is to succumb to a lifetime of feeling broken, as every relationship you enter eventually ends in hopeless disappointment.

3.  Poor communication.

Perhaps there’s something that really bothers you about your friend or lover.  Why aren’t you saying something?  Are you afraid they’ll get upset?  Maybe they will and maybe they won’t.  Either way you need to deal with it upfront, constructively, and avoid burying it until it worsens, festers and explodes out of you.

Great communication is the cornerstone of a great relationship.  If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow.  If you’re feeling jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities.  If you have expectations of your friend or lover, you must communicate them clearly.  If there are any problems whatsoever, you must get them out of your head and into the open so they can be worked out.

Information is the grease that keeps the engine of communication running.  Always give the important people in your life the information they need to understand you.  And communicate more than just problems – communicate the good things too.  Share what you love about your friend or lover.  Share what is going on in your mind and heart.  Share your deepest thoughts, needs, wishes, hopes and dreams.  (Read The 5 Love Languages.)

4.  Little lies that add up.

Anything is better than lies.  They are like a cancer in the heart and soul.  They eat away what is good and leave only decay and devastation behind.  If you spend your life learning to lie to the people around you, not only will you hurt and deceive them, you will also hurt and deceive yourself – you will forget your own truth.

There is perhaps no phenomenon that is more destructive to a relationship than dishonesty, which permits envy, hate and deception to be acted out under the guise of love and virtue.  Even the smallest, seemingly innocent lies eventually snowball into larger issues.  Stand by the whole truth – your truth – always.  If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT!  If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE!  If you say you feel something, MEAN IT!  If you can’t, won’t and don’t, then DON’T LIE.

It’s always better to tell the whole truth up front.  Don’t play games with the minds and hearts of others.  Don’t tell half-truths and expect your friends or lover to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better than lies.

Remember, love and friendship don’t hurt.  Lying, cheating and messing with people’s feelings and emotions hurts.  Honesty is the healing remedy.

5.  Lack of presence.

Presence is complete awareness, or paying full attention to “the now.”  If you do not find at least some amount of presence in the moments you share with those you care about, it is impossible to listen, speak, compromise, or otherwise connect with them on a meaningful level.

Presence is looking inward and learning how to be with yourself, in the moment, see the gears turning, embrace what’s in your immediate vicinity, and thereby put space around destructive thoughts of other times and places, as you apply your full energy to the “here and now.”  The idea is that you must first attend to the reality of the moment before you can effectively contribute anything positive to it.

Simply being completely present with someone else is difficult because it requires you to share yourself completely, vulnerabilities and all, and enter a moment of unguarded honesty with this person.

To cultivate your presence, all you need to do is sit quietly for as long as you desire and put your full attention on your breath – thinking only of what each inhale and exhale feels like.  Don’t judge or resist your inner-workings.  Simply accept and breathe.  Practice this a few times a day, and it will start to feel more natural.  This way, when you are in the thick of a deep conversation with a friend or partner, you can access that presence and listen without judgment or impatience, speak with clarity, and learn to fully connect and compromise.

Bottom line:  Be Present.  Give the people you care about your full attention.  Let them see they’re own beauty in your eyes.  Let them find their own voice through your listening ears.  Help them discover their own greatness in your presence.  (Read The Power of Now.)

6.  Some relationships aren’t meant to last.

There are certain people who aren’t meant to fit into your life in the long-term no matter how much you want them to.  They pass through your life in a shorter time frame than you had hoped to teach you things they never could have taught you if they stayed.

So many people think friends or lovers have to be the perfect fit, because that’s what everyone tells you to want – that’s the Hollywood love story.  Of course, it’s nice when relationships stay healthy and last, but that doesn’t mean your failed relationships aren’t equally as important.  Some people you engage with will be like a mirror – people who show you things that are holding you back, people who show you the ways that don’t work, people who bring your insecurities and misjudgments to your own attention so you can change your life.

It’ these people – the ones who come into your life for a short time and teach you a priceless lesson – that are some of the most important people you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you until you’re wide awake.

Do you want to live with these people in your life forever?  No way – that would be way too painful!  They come into your life to shake you up, tear apart your ego, flip your perspective, show you your obstacles, break your heart and mind open so new rays of light can shine in, just to reveal another layer of YOU to yourself, and then they move on like they’re supposed to.

Take their lessons as gifts and be sure you move on too.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  Why do some good relationships go bad?  Please leave a comment below and share your insights with us.

When my friend Elly taught in a middle school, he never hung out in the teacher’s room. He told me he couldn’t bear the badmouthing of students, the whining and the blaming.

Of course, not all teachers are like this. In fact, most of them aren’t. And of course, trolling isn’t reserved to the teacher’s room. Just about every organization, every online service, every product and every element of our culture now has chat rooms and forums devoted to a few people looking for something to complain about. Some of them even do it on television.

The fascinating truth is this: the people in these forums aren’t doing their best work. They rarely identify useful feedback or pinpoint elements that can be changed productively either. In fact, if you solved whatever problem they’re whining about, they wouldn’t suddenly become enthusiastic contributors. No, they’re just wallowing in the negative ions, enjoying the support of a few others as they dish about what’s holding them back.

It pays no dividends to go looking for useful insight from these folks. Go make something great instead.

As a recent grad of the TRP (Totally Responsible Person) certification program, I am much more aware of my own whining and when I get into the “victim mentality”. Then I can decide to shift!

How about you?

How To Know When You’re in VICTIM

Awareness allows CHOICE. The key is simply self awareness when you’re “there”. For me, it’s when I think life is happening TO me rather than FOR me.

First, I check my thoughts to see if I’m placing blame on another…or even fate or circumstances!

Second, I check my emotions to see if I’m feeling helplessness, wanting to give up, fear, or frustration that could lead to despair.

Finally I check out my behavior. It’s always a give-away in your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice.

What comes next are our strategies to deal with it. Things like the silent treatment, withdrawal, criticizing & fault-finding, changing the subject (my favorite) or acquiescing/caving in.

Please realize that any thought or action that indicates a giving up of responsibility of one’s emotional state and behavior reveals “victim mentality”.

Life is so much better when you take responsibility! Then you have the power to change!

Marc and Angel have done it again.

“Today I want to share nine inspiring quotes that changed my life.  I’ve listed them below along with supplementary lessons I’ve learned about each one over the years.  I hope they inspire you just as they have inspired me.”

The Quotes & Lessons

1.  Intuition

“At times you have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you’ll discover will be wonderful.  What you’ll discover is yourself.”  -Alan Alda

Your intuition is a gift.  It is your third eye – a way of seeing with your soul.  Pay attention to what it shows you.  More often than you realize, you have the answers you seek already inside you.  Your unconscious mind is the greatest source of your genius; you just have to pay attention.

Trusting your intuition is trusting your true self, and the more you trust your true self, the more control you have of making your goals and dreams come true.  Read 1,000 Little Things.

2.  Responsibility

“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves.  The process never ends until we die.  And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”  -Eleanor Roosevelt

Don’t blame your parents, your friends, your teachers, your boss, or anyone else.  Blame yourself and then do something about it.  If something isn’t right and needs to change in your life, you’re the only one who can make that change.

The trajectory of your life is directly proportional to the strength of your choices.  To say you have no choice is to relieve yourself of all the responsibility and control you have over your life, which is another way of saying, “I don’t care.  I give up.”

3.  Expectation

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”  -Alexander Pope

As you get older you will find that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than you thought it was going to be; it’s just that the easy and the hard aren’t exactly the way you had anticipated, and don’t always occur when you expect them to.  This isn’t a bad thing; it makes life interesting.  With a positive attitude you will always be pleasantly surprised.

When you stop expecting things to be a certain way, you can appreciate them for what they are.  Ultimately you will realize that life’s greatest gifts are rarely wrapped the way you expected.  Read The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.

4.  Small Steps

“Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.”  -Desmond Tutu

All the skills and understanding necessary for achievement will not be fully available to you when you first start a new endeavor.  But once you start, you will build the necessary skills and understanding as you need them.

Do not overwhelm yourself by thinking about the entire project.  Instead, focus on the one particular action step you can take right now.  Give your best to the task at hand.  Build what you can with what you have, and as you acquire additional resources, build upon what you have already built.  Read How to Get What You Want.

5.  Questions vs. Answers

“Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.”  -Voltaire

Life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to ask enough of the right ones that ultimately leads you to an understanding of yourself and your purpose.

You can spend your life wallowing in sorrow by asking negative questions like, “Why me?”  Or you can be grateful that you survived – that you’re still strong enough to breathe, walk and think for yourself – and then ask, “Where do I want to go next?”

6.  Focus

“Whenever you want to achieve something, keep your eyes open, concentrate and make sure you know exactly what it is you want.  No one can hit their target with their eyes closed.”  -Paulo Coelho

Raindrops falling gently over a wide, sprawling area will always yield to the obstructions present in the landscape.  Yet when these raindrops are concentrated into the mighty force of a river, they have the power to cut through nearly any obstruction imaginable.

In the same way, when your thoughts, feelings and actions are concentrated on a clear and consistent purpose, nothing can hold you back.  The roadblocks standing in your way are no match for your focused, unwavering purpose.  Give your life a decided advantage over all the obstacles you encounter by living each moment in the service of a meaningful purpose.

7.  Relationships

“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.”  -J.K. Rowling

When it comes to relationships, be careful not to continuously doubt the positives and ignore the negatives.  You likely do this more often than you think.  For instance, you will say to your partner dozens of times:  Do you really love me?  Are you sure?  And ask similar questions that doubt the existence of their love.  But you will rarely ask:  Does this upset you?  Are you sure?  And similar questions that have the potential to resolve conflict before it starts.

This imbalance creates tension on both sides of the equation.  The positive things become more burdensome while the negatives fester in the background, unresolved.  Bottom line:  Have faith in the positives as you work on turning the negatives around.  Read The 5 Love Languages.

8.  Humility

“On the highest throne in the world, we still sit only on our own bottom.”  -Michel de Montaigne

If you become impressed with your own importance, you will cease to be impressive regardless of how successful you are.  Anyone who must announce that they are great rarely is.

True greatness and admiration is earned when you spend your time listening and learning rather than boasting and preening.  Let go of the need to be better than anyone else.  Humility is a virtue that will carry you far.  When you free yourself from the crushing demands of your ego, you free yourself to be your very best.

9.  Life Experience

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.”  -Rita Mae Brown

Experience is what you get when your plans don’t go as planned, and experience is the most valuable commodity you own – it builds your strength.

You have the power to turn your wounds and worries into wisdom; you just have to do something about them.  You have to accept what has happened and use what you’ve learned to step forward.  Everything you’ve experienced has given you the upper hand for dealing with everything you have yet to experience.  Realize this and set yourself free.

DO YOU HAVE QUOTES THAT HAVE MEANT A LOT TO YOU?

Top Ten Things Successful People Do Differently

1. Be specific! Knowing exactly what you want to achieve gives you a better idea of what success looks like. For instance, “lose weight” or “sleep more” are vague. What specifically do you want?
2. Seize the moment to act on your goals! We’re busy folks and it’s easy to not find the time to act on goals. Decide when and where you will take action you want to take, specifically. For instance, work out Monday, Wednesday and Friday before work for 30 minutes. Studies show this helps your brain to detect and seize the opportunity when it arises, increasing your chances of success by about 300%!
3. Monitor your progress. Know exactly how far you have to go and adjust accordingly. Check your progress honestly and frequently–weekly, or even daily, depending on the specific goal.
4. Be a realistic optimist. Engage in lots of positive thinking regarding how likely you are to achieve a specific goal.  Believe in your ability to achieve! Don’t underestimate how difficult it will be though. Any worthwhile goal requires effort.
5. Focus on getting better, rather than being good. Most of us believe we are what we are and can’t change that so we focus on goals that prove that. Our belief in fixed ability is just wrong. You can change and reach your full potential! Enjoy the ride in developing and acquiring new skills.
6. Have grit. Grit makes all the difference in any challenging situation. Effort, planning, persistence, and good strategies are what it really takes to succeed. Embracing this knowledge will not only help you see yourself and your goals more accurately, but also do wonders for your grit.
7. Build your willpower muscle. Build up your self-control muscle by exercising it regularly. Start with one activity you’d rather not do and plan how you will deal with roadblocks. For instance, when you get a sugar craving, eat a piece of fruit. Over time, your muscle will grow and it will get easier.
8. Don’t tempt fate! Don’t overtax your willpower muscle. For instance, by dieting and quitting smoking at once. Don’t make reaching a goal harder than it is by being overly confident in your ability to resist temptation. Pace yourself! Be kind.
9. Focus on what you will do, not what you won’t do. If you’re planning to stop a bad habit, focus on what you will do instead of the bad habit. For instance, if you’re working to control your temper, you might make a plan like “If I am starting to feel angry, then I will take three deep breaths to calm down.” Plan your replacements in advance.
10. Review and celebrate successes, even small ones. Often highly successful people focus on what’s not done, nothing is ever good enough. List all your positive steps to get a sense of progress. It will help keep you from getting discouraged.

The vast majority of us leaders have very little understanding of why we make the choices we do, and that we’re influenced instead by peer pressure; impulsive and reactive emotions; a deep and bottomless need for admiration and status; overconfidence in the present; excessive worry about the future; the evolutionary instinct to avoid pain and move towards pleasure; and precious little capacity to delay gratification.

In other words, we have a great capacity for self-deception when we just draw on our rational mind.

Meet Sam Turner, PhD. who gave a great talk last month on decision making. His speciality is organizational development. Go Sam!

Meet Sam Turner, PhD.

Life is refreshingly full of choices, and we have to make sense of these choices. Let’s take food, for example. Can you take a stab at the number of food options you consider daily for meals that you eat? The average person will say something in the order of 10, 15, maybe 20. Is that close to what you got?

A study conducted at Cornell University, participants estimated they made an average of 14.4 food-related decisions, a number not terribly different from that I have heard personally. After creating an aggregated index of food decisions the participants actually made, they found that the average participant made an estimated number of 226.7 decisions about food per day!

Now mind you, I am not terribly interested in your eating habits, per se. Rather, I use this as an example to illustrate just how forgiving we are to ourselves about the number of choices we are confronted with daily. It turns out, we can’t remember how many choices we make daily about really anything. To our credit, we have developed a myriad of strategies that help us confront the overwhelming number of decisions we are confronted with daily. We have a number of useful tools that help us wage war against ambiguity and uncertainty.

We draw on experience and use a host of mental shortcuts called heuristics which are based on our view of the world. They can serve us incredibly well. Just imagine, if we are unsure of the number of food choices we make in a day, what would the day be like if we were aware? Unfortunately, we aren’t just plagued by choices on the grocery store.

These heuristics are sometimes spot on assessments, but often not. And they lead us to make biased decisions; we misinterpret what reality is, we pick something familiar, or we might feel overwhelmed if it is complicated. They allow us to make lots of decisions about things like foods, but they can lead us to make some bad decisions about more important things.

Are we doomed to live with our poor choices and decisions? No.
Follow these simple strategies and try to avoid making poor decisions:

1. Engage in metacognition. This means to think about our thinking. Does this decision merit careful attention and review? A breakfast cereal merits little time, but allocations of investment income require a lot of time.
2. Consult a source expert. Complex decisions require expertise and knowledge.
3. Engage in a bit of what Ben Franklin called moral algebra. Write a pro and con column and look at what has more points. Realize that your instinct matters too, and pick the solution you can ultimately live with.
4. Satisfice. When the choices aren’t terribly important, pick some criteria you are looking for, and when the option comes up, take it. And don’t look back.

The decisions will still be uncomfortable and complicated, but a strategy will make the process of deciding seem more friendly and efficient.