Feedback – Breakfast of Champions? Really?

About 20 years ago, I was asked to facilitate a 360 feedback program for what was then Centura Bank here in N.C. Over the next year, I coached individuals as they received feedback from people all around them: direct reports, peers, bosses, themselves! In many instances, it was an emotional event that even brought tears.

People care deeply what others think.

And yet we know we have blind spots. Everyone does. And only someone with enough grit to tell you the truth can make you aware. Trust needs to be there–you know they have your back.

We know what we know; we know what we don’t know and rarely do we not know what we don’t know or don’t know what we know. It is the gift of feedback that opens our eyes in awareness so we can change.

So how did the session go?

The two being “focused on” video taped themselves and combined that with all the various feedback from the content of what they said to the way they said it to even the way they were dressed! It was a lot of information!

But these brave professionals took the top three items that would make the biggest difference and are working to address them now.

We’re thinking of anothergroup for the “after”!

I said feedback is for champions because it takes guts to hear what’s not working for others about you. Our egos can get in the way and we could begin to justify our behaviors or discount the value of the feedback. But those who look it straight in the eye are the ones who WIN and win big. They put that ego aside and focus in on being their absolute best professionally, knowing that others’ perceptions ARE their reality!

When my friend Elly taught in a middle school, he never hung out in the teacher’s room. He told me he couldn’t bear the badmouthing of students, the whining and the blaming.

Of course, not all teachers are like this. In fact, most of them aren’t. And of course, trolling isn’t reserved to the teacher’s room. Just about every organization, every online service, every product and every element of our culture now has chat rooms and forums devoted to a few people looking for something to complain about. Some of them even do it on television.

The fascinating truth is this: the people in these forums aren’t doing their best work. They rarely identify useful feedback or pinpoint elements that can be changed productively either. In fact, if you solved whatever problem they’re whining about, they wouldn’t suddenly become enthusiastic contributors. No, they’re just wallowing in the negative ions, enjoying the support of a few others as they dish about what’s holding them back.

It pays no dividends to go looking for useful insight from these folks. Go make something great instead.

As a recent grad of the TRP (Totally Responsible Person) certification program, I am much more aware of my own whining and when I get into the “victim mentality”. Then I can decide to shift!

How about you?

How To Know When You’re in VICTIM

Awareness allows CHOICE. The key is simply self awareness when you’re “there”. For me, it’s when I think life is happening TO me rather than FOR me.

First, I check my thoughts to see if I’m placing blame on another…or even fate or circumstances!

Second, I check my emotions to see if I’m feeling helplessness, wanting to give up, fear, or frustration that could lead to despair.

Finally I check out my behavior. It’s always a give-away in your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice.

What comes next are our strategies to deal with it. Things like the silent treatment, withdrawal, criticizing & fault-finding, changing the subject (my favorite) or acquiescing/caving in.

Please realize that any thought or action that indicates a giving up of responsibility of one’s emotional state and behavior reveals “victim mentality”.

Life is so much better when you take responsibility! Then you have the power to change!

Nowadays, more then ever, it’s imperative to keep your knowledge and skills current. Yet it is the one thing we often say we don’t have time for, right?

What resources do you use to keep up? For me, I am a book-a-holic! When I do assessments, they always show my love of learning. When you walk in my home, I’m sure the first thing you notice, besides the eclectic feel, are the numerous book shelves. There is one in every room! Under sideboards, in the kitchen, even deep window sills–all are lined with books I love! This past week I gave away a huge TV so I could use the large cupboard housing it for more books! Yeah, I’m crazy about books, that’s for sure!

There are other ways to learn. What is your preferred method to keep your personal leadership skills honed?

Keeping Your Saw Sharp

Books
If you have the big bucks, it’s definitely worth the investment to buy FYI :For Your Improvement. I bought it from The Center For Creative Leadership here in Greensboro NC for use with my coaching clients. It has various competencies listed and how to improve them. Worth it!
I’m also drawn to authors Marshall Goldsmith (my favorite coach) and Patrick Lencioni (great fable books on culture and teams).

Blogs and Info Portals

I subscribe to many blogs and information portals such asHarvard Business Review. Some favorite blogs include:
GaryVaynerchuk.com
ChrisBrogan.com
Shankman.com
SocialTriggers.com
PersonalBrandingBlog.com
TanveerNaseer.com

To stimulate my thinking and get my marketing hat on, I love reading Seth Godin’s blog. You can subscribe  HERE. Seth just isn’t about marketing but provides researched insights on people. He has quite a tribe following him!

Newsletters

I hope you enjoy my newsletter! It’s much shorter than it used to be. Who has time? I know your attention span! Others provide great synopsis of topics such as CashBox Coachesnewsletter. Check this one out about future focused leaders. Another blog I enjoy that is engaging is Chip Schlotz’s “Leader Snips“. Short and sweet and great pictures!

Audio Books

Maybe at the end of the day you’re just too tired to read? Well then listen up! Many autos enable your MP3 player to play through your speakers. I run my iPod through a cassette tape after my CD player malfunctioned. $15 did the trick! The time spent in your car can be productive too! NOT TEXTING but listening to a book or webinar ( you can usually get the recording even if you weren’t able to attend). You could just listen to tunes, but if you’re serious about continuous learning, make the most of all your time!

Conferences, Seminars and Webinars

It can be expensive to attend conferences to keep your knowledge up in your field. Now there are various groups that provide seminars that hone in on specific subjects. Check out professional organizations in your area. There are also many LinkedIn groups that hold lunch and learns. My favorite is Webinars, which are offered free by some pretty powerful people ( I wouldn’t miss Patricia Wheeler and Marshall Goldsmith’s). Often you can listen at a later time.  And of course on-line learning is readily available now, too.

The Key

All this learning is well and good, but if you don’t APPLY the learning, you’re just filling your brain with more info. It has enough already to runneth over! To get a structure to make changes, take a look at the Vital Smarts (Crucial Conversation guys) and their new book, Change Anything. Just pick one vital behavior you want to change and apply their model of influence to assure you get results.

Now make it happen! You can do it.

Top Ten Things Successful People Do Differently

1. Be specific! Knowing exactly what you want to achieve gives you a better idea of what success looks like. For instance, “lose weight” or “sleep more” are vague. What specifically do you want?
2. Seize the moment to act on your goals! We’re busy folks and it’s easy to not find the time to act on goals. Decide when and where you will take action you want to take, specifically. For instance, work out Monday, Wednesday and Friday before work for 30 minutes. Studies show this helps your brain to detect and seize the opportunity when it arises, increasing your chances of success by about 300%!
3. Monitor your progress. Know exactly how far you have to go and adjust accordingly. Check your progress honestly and frequently–weekly, or even daily, depending on the specific goal.
4. Be a realistic optimist. Engage in lots of positive thinking regarding how likely you are to achieve a specific goal.  Believe in your ability to achieve! Don’t underestimate how difficult it will be though. Any worthwhile goal requires effort.
5. Focus on getting better, rather than being good. Most of us believe we are what we are and can’t change that so we focus on goals that prove that. Our belief in fixed ability is just wrong. You can change and reach your full potential! Enjoy the ride in developing and acquiring new skills.
6. Have grit. Grit makes all the difference in any challenging situation. Effort, planning, persistence, and good strategies are what it really takes to succeed. Embracing this knowledge will not only help you see yourself and your goals more accurately, but also do wonders for your grit.
7. Build your willpower muscle. Build up your self-control muscle by exercising it regularly. Start with one activity you’d rather not do and plan how you will deal with roadblocks. For instance, when you get a sugar craving, eat a piece of fruit. Over time, your muscle will grow and it will get easier.
8. Don’t tempt fate! Don’t overtax your willpower muscle. For instance, by dieting and quitting smoking at once. Don’t make reaching a goal harder than it is by being overly confident in your ability to resist temptation. Pace yourself! Be kind.
9. Focus on what you will do, not what you won’t do. If you’re planning to stop a bad habit, focus on what you will do instead of the bad habit. For instance, if you’re working to control your temper, you might make a plan like “If I am starting to feel angry, then I will take three deep breaths to calm down.” Plan your replacements in advance.
10. Review and celebrate successes, even small ones. Often highly successful people focus on what’s not done, nothing is ever good enough. List all your positive steps to get a sense of progress. It will help keep you from getting discouraged.

These are crazy times. I had an opportunity to speak about resilience last month to a group of unemployed HR professionals.  Being in this job market is no fun. Being able to adapt to stress and adversity is critical to maintaining your balance, even your sanity! Resilience won’t make your problems go away but it will help you see past them and find some enjoyment in life.

What goes hand in hand with resilience is motivation. Resilience and motivation are two critical skills successful people strengthen through deliberate practice. It’s that deliberate practice part that gets most of us. Discipline is required. This month we will explore the difference having these two will make in adapting to the many losses, failures and bad situations we all have faced lately.

Use Your Brain!

Developing a winner’s brain can be achieved!  In previous issues, I have mentioned using the power within–your brain–to achieve results no matter the circumstances that surround you.

PRACTICE.

When you start a new habit, you are actually making new pathways in your brain. Winners know this and through deliberate practice, control their thoughts and focus in.

FOCUS.

Winners are adept at tuning out distractions and choosing the best way to focus on a task to achieve a desired outcome. Their brains even “light up” differently when they’re focused. Many are able to get into “flow” despite distractions. This world has distractions!

ENERGY.

Winners know how to keep the pump flowing. They can embrace a bottomless supply of energy. And believe it or not, they know how to nap when they need to! Yep, sometimes you just need to let go and let your brain figure it out!

PERSISTENCE.

Average people have limited persistence and winners keep at it! They just can’t let a problem go unsolved and are able to muster up even more energy to get the job done!

Talk to Yourself!

We all talk to ourselves. Winners seem to have an optimistic explanatory style rather than a pessimistic style. People can be taught to be optimistic and resilient by changing their explanatory style. They don’t fall into helplessness with their thinking. They say things to themselves like “I can handle this” vs. “This always happens to me”. No victim mentality for them!

I believe that leaders in today’s organizations need to take a look at this whole resiliency and motivation thing. Looking toward the future with optimism, painting a picture of that vision for their companies, is critical in these chaotic times.

Life isn’t about what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens. It’s a choice. It can be made a better choice if we practice.