Feedback – Breakfast of Champions? Really?

About 20 years ago, I was asked to facilitate a 360 feedback program for what was then Centura Bank here in N.C. Over the next year, I coached individuals as they received feedback from people all around them: direct reports, peers, bosses, themselves! In many instances, it was an emotional event that even brought tears.

People care deeply what others think.

And yet we know we have blind spots. Everyone does. And only someone with enough grit to tell you the truth can make you aware. Trust needs to be there–you know they have your back.

We know what we know; we know what we don’t know and rarely do we not know what we don’t know or don’t know what we know. It is the gift of feedback that opens our eyes in awareness so we can change.

So how did the session go?

The two being “focused on” video taped themselves and combined that with all the various feedback from the content of what they said to the way they said it to even the way they were dressed! It was a lot of information!

But these brave professionals took the top three items that would make the biggest difference and are working to address them now.

We’re thinking of anothergroup for the “after”!

I said feedback is for champions because it takes guts to hear what’s not working for others about you. Our egos can get in the way and we could begin to justify our behaviors or discount the value of the feedback. But those who look it straight in the eye are the ones who WIN and win big. They put that ego aside and focus in on being their absolute best professionally, knowing that others’ perceptions ARE their reality!

What is Really Listening?

Third-ear listening is connecting and engaging with another human being on an emotional, or even spiritual level.

I like how Ann Hart, CEO of Breakthrough Coaching explains it: “If you really want to connect, understand, and influence other people you need the power of listening from the heart. What I mean by heart is NOT the idea of something weak or emotional. The heart energy is actually a source of strength and balance in the body. The heart is a brain [actually your whole body is a brain], far more powerful than the head brain. If you really want to connect, you are going to need the empathetic power of the heart”.

Some of you left-brained people are skeptical about now, right?

But once you “get it” you will understand the power of managing and listening from the heart.

Because bottom line is everyone has a deep desire to be heard and understood. This type of listening strengthens teamwork, reduces stress and conflict, and has many other benefits. It is especially unifying for people who work together.

So What to Do?

Normally we interrupt, ask questions, or offer advice on the outside while on the inside our internal dialogue is preparing for what we’re going to say in response (or we’re judging, etc.). Heart listening requires none of this. Be balanced and neutral; the less you say the better. When you put all your attention on someone else, something very profound changes. Carl Rogers, the famous psychologist, was known for his skill of listening with “positive regard”.

Deep listening is about paying attention. It’s a process of truly hearing and understanding another’s point of view. It sounds simple but it’s not or we would be better at it. We have to learn to listen through another’s “map”, not your own. Put this person first. This “soft” skill has to be the most important skill you can have!

As a coach I constantly work on listening, refining and practicing all the time. It’s hard to suspend the internal dialogue when listening. Plus I get a great thought or suggestion and I’m afraid I’ll forget it by the time they are finished speaking!! We all have our reasons. But I’ve found you need to understand another’s thoughts, feelings, and their “TWIST” (The Way I See Things). It can’t be from your point of view!

In Conclusion

Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, nailed it when he said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

Next month we’ll explore WHY we don’t listen but for now I have an offer! If you have read all the way down here, and you know what habit # is Covey’s “Seek to understand not to be understood”, shoot me a reply and I’ll send the first person a signed copy of my book, The Good Bus, and others the ebook.

Organizational Change Begins With Personal Change

When we think about how to get from HERE to THERE, company’s methods are usually limited to adopting the structures, systems, processes, and practices of best-in-class organizations.  Yet many failed change initiatives (e.g., TQM, BPR) are because of a FLAWED ASSUMPTION: while new behaviors and attitudes are the goal, the best–or only–method for getting there is through influencing non-human factors like organizational structure, work processes, or performance management system.

NOT!

This flaw draws attention away from a far more powerful assumption–that the best way to influence behavior is for those with the vision to begin behaving differently, to live the vision.

Leaders care enough about the changes that need to occur that they say and do the many things that are needed to influence others and outcomes. The best way to exert this influence is in the conversations we hold. It is in these types of conversations that transformational moments are created and reality is confronted on a personal level, and personal change becomes possible.

What keeps relationships, teams, and organizations stuck is our inability to foster dialogue around a few crucial conversations.

Only when individuals, beginning with leaders, actually talk candidly about behavior that is detracting from their goals–directly, specifically and immediately–can real change occur.

It’s the PEOPLE that matter, not the structure, systems, processes and practices. No commitment to change; no change! Commitment trumps structures, systems, and processes every time!

We can have these transformational moments when we:

• give honest feedback to teammates
• reveal people’s stories that excuses them from acting responsibly
• help people see the choices they have made and the impact

Conclusion

Staying “stuck” in old ways demands collusion and co-dependency. Everyone has to turn his or her back if people are to be allowed to continue their individual and collective dysfunction. In this way, people collude to not just allow mediocrity, but to create a self-sealing pattern that fights against improvement…fights against real change.

“It takes a village to produce continued mediocrity”

The only path that breaks old patterns is one that confronts them.This takes courageous leaders, starting at the top, to step up to the challenge of holding crucial conversations to help others see their roles in producing the results they want and to help them understand that new results require new behavior on their parts.

What Are Some Team Problems?

Lencioni tells it like it is when he explains that many teams lack the kind of engagement they need. In particular, they can’t effectively argue about issues and decisions that are critical to success. “If team members are never pushing one another outside their emotional comfort zones, then it is extremely likely that they are not making the best decisions for the organization” he says.

In my experience, members succumb to apathy or disengagement when they don’t feel safe enough to speak up.

SOLUTION:  Learn the skills to have a Crucial Conversation! This two day course teaches skills to make it safe for any kind of conversations even when it’s emotional, high-risk and with opposing points of view.

Some other dysfunctional team problems include:

• Lack of trust
• Lack of commitment
• Avoidance of accountability
• inattention to results

Also team members are often unclear about their role and responsibilities and pressures to perform drive people toward safe solutions that are justifiable (CYA) rather than innovative. Sound familiar?

SOLUTION: Research shows teams need to trust members, have a sense of group identity and a sense of group efficacy. First, identify common goals and purpose. Have teams identify their core purpose, values, business definition, strategy, goals and roles and responsibilities. Without this foundation, its hard to achieve cohesiveness. From there, teams need to be intentional: what are the goals bothqualitative and quantitative?

T.E.A.M.

Trust You have to have a foundation of trust and this is hard in this ego-driven, self-preservation world! I like how Patrick defines it: “When it comes to teams, trust is all about vulnerability. Team members who trust one another learn to be comfortable being open, even exposed, to one another around their failures, weaknesses, even fears.” Yet this is the foundation for forgiveness and acceptance. Authenticity depends on members’ willingness to admit weaknesses and mistakes. They have to be able to say “I messed up” or “I’m sorry” or “I need some help here.”

SOLUTION: Share your DISC assessment with the team! Explain how you deal with things and what turns you off. We’re all different; share who you are fully! Show up!

Engagement Our engagement level is ever changing from one end of apathy, disengagement and maybe even sabotage to the other extreme of unbridled enthusiasm and passion. And once again, being able to speak up and be heard (maybe even confront someone) is key. Active debate allows the team to discuss what matters most. Again, trust needs to be there.

SOLUTION: Mine for conflict! Yes, encourage it! Use your Crucial Conversation skills to say it in a way that prevents defensiveness! After a member shares, remember–no consequences for being honest! Everyone is watching, you know. If you blow it here as a leader, NO ONE will speak up and you’re doomed.

Accountability This is a big one with me.You should be able to hold each other accountable and even offer suggestions to help others win! Peer-to-peer accountability talks are essential to maintain focus and monitor progress. Don’t be afraid to comment: “I notice ____ hasn’t been finished. What do you need to get it done?” or “What resources we missing here?” Effective team members are quick to spot problems and are willing to speak up without assigning blame. Remember, you don’t have all the information possibly. Seek solutions together.

SOLUTION: Ask Soft Solutions for their Totally Responsible Person (TRP) program or Crucial Accountability course! As a manager or employee, these are essential skills for your life and as a member of a team.

Metrics Metrics are important to assess achievements. This doesn’t have to be fancy! Visual aids are good! Also positive feedback or employee recognition are good too as they provide renewed motivation, energy and drive! People like to see they have the power to “move the needle”.

SOLUTION: Even a whiteboard with your metrics works. Some companies use a stoplight approach where green=good, yellow=caution and red= we’re off track and missing the mark. What gets measured gets treasured; and what gets treasured gets done! Make sure individuals put aside personal gains & attention or trying to fulfill personal career aspirations and/or boosting their egos. There is no “I” in TEAM!

The Big Takeaway

If you’re still with me now, decide where your team is by asking confidentially each member how well they feel you’re working as a team on a scale from 1 to 10 on the T.E.A.M. outlined above. Then ask where they think you need to be working together as a team.

Research of hundreds of teams in multinational organizations think his/her team operates at a 5.8 level of effectiveness but recognizes the need to be a 8.7.

Discuss and explore performance gaps and choose one behavioral change that everyone can agree to prioritize. Make team-building a regular part of your meetings!

Before asking for a raise — even if you need and deserve it — it’s easy to let self-doubt take over: What if your boss doesn’t think you’re worth the extra money? What if your boss hasn’t had a pay bump for a while, either, and labels you a complainer?

Lobbying for a better salary or perks shouldn’t jeopardize your career, though, if you do it the right way — especially if you’re a valued employee, says Joseph Grenny, who wrote the bestselling Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.

The key to getting what you want? Stick to the facts, Grenny advises.

“First, research salary data online to find out what other people get paid for jobs like yours in your geographic area,” he says. “Then, be ready to give solid evidence for why your performance merits more money.”

Whatever you do, don’t say you need more money for personal reasons (no matter how urgent), says Grenny.

To make it easier to sell the idea to higher-ups, “you want your boss to see this as an informed business decision, not a charitable contribution,” he says.

If your annual review didn’t reflect your true wonderfulness, don’t stew in silence, says Joseph Grenny, an executive coach at VitalSmarts, a leadership development firm in Provo, Utah.

Even the best-intentioned leaders are so overworked in these lean times that your achievements may sometimes slip past them. Or they may blame you for a problem when there are other, fixable reasons why it’s occurring.

“Saying nothing may be a bigger risk than speaking up,” says Grenny.

Since a so-so (or worse) appraisal in your HR file could unfairly block you from bigger career opportunities down the road, “you need to calmly set the record straight” about specific comments or complaints you believe are inaccurate, says Grenny.

Also ask your boss to go into detail about what he or she needs from you. Try to get insights into how this manager defines a job well done, says Grenny, and be prepared to do more listening than talking.

Grenny also advises: “Ask for more frequent feedback — maybe even once a week — so you can make course corrections if needed, long before your next formal evaluation.”

Let’s hope you never work for a Bernie Madoff type. But if you discover bad deeds are happening in your company, what can you do? Say nothing to your boss, and you risk seeming complicit in the wrongdoing. Speak up and you could earn that dreaded label, “not a team player.”

Luckily, you can be a whistleblower without blowing your career, says Grenny. You’ll need to be diplomatic, though.

“Start the conversation by sharing your good intentions and stressing that you have the boss’s best interest in mind,” Grenny suggests. “Explain the negative consequences you think will follow if the behavior continues.” After all, bilking customers, deceiving investors, and other dodgy practices have been known to destroy companies, taking thousands of careers straight down the tubes. Remember Enron?

If your boss pooh-poohs your worries (“This is how we’ve always done it”), or even retaliates against you (goodbye, raise), take your concerns upstairs.

“At that point, it’s appropriate to approach your boss’s boss,” Grenny says. “But, so you don’t seem to be going behind your boss’s back, suggest that the three of you meet together.”

What if the rot seems to go all the way up the organization chart? In that case, start looking for a new job.

If you’re coping with outdated equipment, vintage software, pointless paperwork, unrealistic deadlines, or a perennial shortage of skilled support staff, it’s much harder to work efficiently. And you may blame your boss for being unsupportive or just clueless.

Don’t charge into your boss’s office when you’re completely fed up with the situation, though, says Grenny. Instead, schedule a meeting, and keep in mind that your boss is almost certainly not trying to make you miserable.

“Start the conversation with curiosity rather than anger,” Grenny suggests. So the boss isn’t tempted to tune you out, avoid accusatory, judgmental, or inflammatory language.

Instead, calmly describe the gap between the support you need and the support you’re getting, Grenny advises.

“Explain why you’re concerned, with emphasis on your common goals,” he says. “Next, invite dialogue. Your boss may see the problem differently. If you’re open to others’ points of view, they’ll be more open to yours.”

Ever think, “If I were in charge around here, we’d go in a whole different direction …”? The safest option, of course, is to keep that opinion entirely to yourself.

But if your corporate culture encourages debate and consensus, respectfully disagreeing can pay off. Just make sure it’s clear you have the best intentions for doing so, Grenny says.

“You want to establish up front that, far from trying to undermine your boss, you’re offering a different viewpoint that might help,” he says.

It’s not so much what you say as how you say it, Grenny notes. So tread softly and ask lots of questions. Lay out facts supporting your view that a given plan won’t work, then keep reassuring your boss that your goal is to help the whole team succeed.

Tactfully taking issue with the status quo shows you care, Grenny points out, so “the result of your openness could be a greater openness on your boss’s part as well.” Here’s hoping.

At some point we all get involved in a serious relationship, be it falling in love with a significant other, or simply establishing an amazingly close friendship.  As soon as this relationship is in place, both parties must do their part to nurture it.  When they fail to do so, solidarity is gradually replaced with suffering.

Although I sincerely hope your closest relationships are not suffering, if you have found yourself in this kind of predicament (as we all do sometimes), chances are the problem can be traced back to one or a few causes.  If your relationships are all rainbows and butterflies right now, consider yourself lucky – this list will simply provide some good food for thought.

1.  Presumed expectations about how someone “should be.”

You don’t love and appreciate someone because they’re perfect, you love and appreciate them in spite of the fact that they are not.  “Perfection” is a deadly fantasy – something none of us will ever be.  So beware of your tendency to “fix” someone when they’re NOT broken.  They are perfectly imperfect, just the way they should be.

Truthfully, the less you expect from someone you care about, the happier your relationship with them will be.  No one in your life will act exactly as you hope or expect them to, ever.  They are not YOU – they will not love, give, understand or respond like you do.

The biggest disappointments in life and in relationships are the result of misplaced expectations.  Tempering unrealistic expectations of how something or someone “should be” will greatly reduce unnecessary frustration and suffering.  (I’ve written about this extensively in the “Relationships” chapter of “ 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.”)

2.  Searching for the missing pieces of YOU in someone else.

When we’re feeling incomplete, we tend to go out looking for somebody else to complete us.  Initially we meet someone who’s compatible with us and they distract us from our deficiency, at least for a while.  Then a few months or years into the relationship, we find that we’re still feeling incomplete, so we blame our friend or lover.  It feels like they’ve changed, but in reality they haven’t; they’ve just become less of a distraction to our own growing, inner void.

Ultimately what you need to realize is that while a close friend or lover can add beautiful dimensions to your life, YOU are responsible for your own fulfillment.  Only you can complete yourself.  Nobody else can provide your missing pieces, and to believe otherwise is to succumb to a lifetime of feeling broken, as every relationship you enter eventually ends in hopeless disappointment.

3.  Poor communication.

Perhaps there’s something that really bothers you about your friend or lover.  Why aren’t you saying something?  Are you afraid they’ll get upset?  Maybe they will and maybe they won’t.  Either way you need to deal with it upfront, constructively, and avoid burying it until it worsens, festers and explodes out of you.

Great communication is the cornerstone of a great relationship.  If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow.  If you’re feeling jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities.  If you have expectations of your friend or lover, you must communicate them clearly.  If there are any problems whatsoever, you must get them out of your head and into the open so they can be worked out.

Information is the grease that keeps the engine of communication running.  Always give the important people in your life the information they need to understand you.  And communicate more than just problems – communicate the good things too.  Share what you love about your friend or lover.  Share what is going on in your mind and heart.  Share your deepest thoughts, needs, wishes, hopes and dreams.  (Read The 5 Love Languages.)

4.  Little lies that add up.

Anything is better than lies.  They are like a cancer in the heart and soul.  They eat away what is good and leave only decay and devastation behind.  If you spend your life learning to lie to the people around you, not only will you hurt and deceive them, you will also hurt and deceive yourself – you will forget your own truth.

There is perhaps no phenomenon that is more destructive to a relationship than dishonesty, which permits envy, hate and deception to be acted out under the guise of love and virtue.  Even the smallest, seemingly innocent lies eventually snowball into larger issues.  Stand by the whole truth – your truth – always.  If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT!  If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE!  If you say you feel something, MEAN IT!  If you can’t, won’t and don’t, then DON’T LIE.

It’s always better to tell the whole truth up front.  Don’t play games with the minds and hearts of others.  Don’t tell half-truths and expect your friends or lover to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better than lies.

Remember, love and friendship don’t hurt.  Lying, cheating and messing with people’s feelings and emotions hurts.  Honesty is the healing remedy.

5.  Lack of presence.

Presence is complete awareness, or paying full attention to “the now.”  If you do not find at least some amount of presence in the moments you share with those you care about, it is impossible to listen, speak, compromise, or otherwise connect with them on a meaningful level.

Presence is looking inward and learning how to be with yourself, in the moment, see the gears turning, embrace what’s in your immediate vicinity, and thereby put space around destructive thoughts of other times and places, as you apply your full energy to the “here and now.”  The idea is that you must first attend to the reality of the moment before you can effectively contribute anything positive to it.

Simply being completely present with someone else is difficult because it requires you to share yourself completely, vulnerabilities and all, and enter a moment of unguarded honesty with this person.

To cultivate your presence, all you need to do is sit quietly for as long as you desire and put your full attention on your breath – thinking only of what each inhale and exhale feels like.  Don’t judge or resist your inner-workings.  Simply accept and breathe.  Practice this a few times a day, and it will start to feel more natural.  This way, when you are in the thick of a deep conversation with a friend or partner, you can access that presence and listen without judgment or impatience, speak with clarity, and learn to fully connect and compromise.

Bottom line:  Be Present.  Give the people you care about your full attention.  Let them see they’re own beauty in your eyes.  Let them find their own voice through your listening ears.  Help them discover their own greatness in your presence.  (Read The Power of Now.)

6.  Some relationships aren’t meant to last.

There are certain people who aren’t meant to fit into your life in the long-term no matter how much you want them to.  They pass through your life in a shorter time frame than you had hoped to teach you things they never could have taught you if they stayed.

So many people think friends or lovers have to be the perfect fit, because that’s what everyone tells you to want – that’s the Hollywood love story.  Of course, it’s nice when relationships stay healthy and last, but that doesn’t mean your failed relationships aren’t equally as important.  Some people you engage with will be like a mirror – people who show you things that are holding you back, people who show you the ways that don’t work, people who bring your insecurities and misjudgments to your own attention so you can change your life.

It’ these people – the ones who come into your life for a short time and teach you a priceless lesson – that are some of the most important people you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you until you’re wide awake.

Do you want to live with these people in your life forever?  No way – that would be way too painful!  They come into your life to shake you up, tear apart your ego, flip your perspective, show you your obstacles, break your heart and mind open so new rays of light can shine in, just to reveal another layer of YOU to yourself, and then they move on like they’re supposed to.

Take their lessons as gifts and be sure you move on too.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  Why do some good relationships go bad?  Please leave a comment below and share your insights with us.

When my friend Elly taught in a middle school, he never hung out in the teacher’s room. He told me he couldn’t bear the badmouthing of students, the whining and the blaming.

Of course, not all teachers are like this. In fact, most of them aren’t. And of course, trolling isn’t reserved to the teacher’s room. Just about every organization, every online service, every product and every element of our culture now has chat rooms and forums devoted to a few people looking for something to complain about. Some of them even do it on television.

The fascinating truth is this: the people in these forums aren’t doing their best work. They rarely identify useful feedback or pinpoint elements that can be changed productively either. In fact, if you solved whatever problem they’re whining about, they wouldn’t suddenly become enthusiastic contributors. No, they’re just wallowing in the negative ions, enjoying the support of a few others as they dish about what’s holding them back.

It pays no dividends to go looking for useful insight from these folks. Go make something great instead.

As a recent grad of the TRP (Totally Responsible Person) certification program, I am much more aware of my own whining and when I get into the “victim mentality”. Then I can decide to shift!

How about you?

How To Know When You’re in VICTIM

Awareness allows CHOICE. The key is simply self awareness when you’re “there”. For me, it’s when I think life is happening TO me rather than FOR me.

First, I check my thoughts to see if I’m placing blame on another…or even fate or circumstances!

Second, I check my emotions to see if I’m feeling helplessness, wanting to give up, fear, or frustration that could lead to despair.

Finally I check out my behavior. It’s always a give-away in your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice.

What comes next are our strategies to deal with it. Things like the silent treatment, withdrawal, criticizing & fault-finding, changing the subject (my favorite) or acquiescing/caving in.

Please realize that any thought or action that indicates a giving up of responsibility of one’s emotional state and behavior reveals “victim mentality”.

Life is so much better when you take responsibility! Then you have the power to change!

Marc and Angel have done it again.

“Today I want to share nine inspiring quotes that changed my life.  I’ve listed them below along with supplementary lessons I’ve learned about each one over the years.  I hope they inspire you just as they have inspired me.”

The Quotes & Lessons

1.  Intuition

“At times you have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you’ll discover will be wonderful.  What you’ll discover is yourself.”  -Alan Alda

Your intuition is a gift.  It is your third eye – a way of seeing with your soul.  Pay attention to what it shows you.  More often than you realize, you have the answers you seek already inside you.  Your unconscious mind is the greatest source of your genius; you just have to pay attention.

Trusting your intuition is trusting your true self, and the more you trust your true self, the more control you have of making your goals and dreams come true.  Read 1,000 Little Things.

2.  Responsibility

“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves.  The process never ends until we die.  And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”  -Eleanor Roosevelt

Don’t blame your parents, your friends, your teachers, your boss, or anyone else.  Blame yourself and then do something about it.  If something isn’t right and needs to change in your life, you’re the only one who can make that change.

The trajectory of your life is directly proportional to the strength of your choices.  To say you have no choice is to relieve yourself of all the responsibility and control you have over your life, which is another way of saying, “I don’t care.  I give up.”

3.  Expectation

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”  -Alexander Pope

As you get older you will find that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than you thought it was going to be; it’s just that the easy and the hard aren’t exactly the way you had anticipated, and don’t always occur when you expect them to.  This isn’t a bad thing; it makes life interesting.  With a positive attitude you will always be pleasantly surprised.

When you stop expecting things to be a certain way, you can appreciate them for what they are.  Ultimately you will realize that life’s greatest gifts are rarely wrapped the way you expected.  Read The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.

4.  Small Steps

“Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.”  -Desmond Tutu

All the skills and understanding necessary for achievement will not be fully available to you when you first start a new endeavor.  But once you start, you will build the necessary skills and understanding as you need them.

Do not overwhelm yourself by thinking about the entire project.  Instead, focus on the one particular action step you can take right now.  Give your best to the task at hand.  Build what you can with what you have, and as you acquire additional resources, build upon what you have already built.  Read How to Get What You Want.

5.  Questions vs. Answers

“Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers.”  -Voltaire

Life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to ask enough of the right ones that ultimately leads you to an understanding of yourself and your purpose.

You can spend your life wallowing in sorrow by asking negative questions like, “Why me?”  Or you can be grateful that you survived – that you’re still strong enough to breathe, walk and think for yourself – and then ask, “Where do I want to go next?”

6.  Focus

“Whenever you want to achieve something, keep your eyes open, concentrate and make sure you know exactly what it is you want.  No one can hit their target with their eyes closed.”  -Paulo Coelho

Raindrops falling gently over a wide, sprawling area will always yield to the obstructions present in the landscape.  Yet when these raindrops are concentrated into the mighty force of a river, they have the power to cut through nearly any obstruction imaginable.

In the same way, when your thoughts, feelings and actions are concentrated on a clear and consistent purpose, nothing can hold you back.  The roadblocks standing in your way are no match for your focused, unwavering purpose.  Give your life a decided advantage over all the obstacles you encounter by living each moment in the service of a meaningful purpose.

7.  Relationships

“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.”  -J.K. Rowling

When it comes to relationships, be careful not to continuously doubt the positives and ignore the negatives.  You likely do this more often than you think.  For instance, you will say to your partner dozens of times:  Do you really love me?  Are you sure?  And ask similar questions that doubt the existence of their love.  But you will rarely ask:  Does this upset you?  Are you sure?  And similar questions that have the potential to resolve conflict before it starts.

This imbalance creates tension on both sides of the equation.  The positive things become more burdensome while the negatives fester in the background, unresolved.  Bottom line:  Have faith in the positives as you work on turning the negatives around.  Read The 5 Love Languages.

8.  Humility

“On the highest throne in the world, we still sit only on our own bottom.”  -Michel de Montaigne

If you become impressed with your own importance, you will cease to be impressive regardless of how successful you are.  Anyone who must announce that they are great rarely is.

True greatness and admiration is earned when you spend your time listening and learning rather than boasting and preening.  Let go of the need to be better than anyone else.  Humility is a virtue that will carry you far.  When you free yourself from the crushing demands of your ego, you free yourself to be your very best.

9.  Life Experience

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.”  -Rita Mae Brown

Experience is what you get when your plans don’t go as planned, and experience is the most valuable commodity you own – it builds your strength.

You have the power to turn your wounds and worries into wisdom; you just have to do something about them.  You have to accept what has happened and use what you’ve learned to step forward.  Everything you’ve experienced has given you the upper hand for dealing with everything you have yet to experience.  Realize this and set yourself free.

DO YOU HAVE QUOTES THAT HAVE MEANT A LOT TO YOU?

“10 Destructive Faults in Our Way of Thinking”

The human mind is wonderful and powerful, but it’s far from perfect. There are several common judgment errors that it’s prone to making. In the field of Psychology these are known as cognitive biases, or fallacies in reasoning. They happen to everyone regardless of age, sex, education or intelligence.

Over the past few months I’ve become fascinated by these biases and fallacies, so I’ve read several books about them. Today I want to share ten of them with you. They are the ones I repeatedly notice myself and those closest to me struggling with. My hope is that you will use the information in this article to pinpoint these destructive patterns in your own thinking, and break free from them before they send you spiraling down the wrong path.

1. Negative self-fulfilling prophecies. – A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that motivates a person to take actions that cause the prediction to come true. This kind of thinking often tears relationships apart and causes people to fail at their goals. Here are two typical examples: 1.) A man believes that his relationship with his new girlfriend is “never going to last.” So he stopsputting effort into the relationship, pulls away emotionally, and a month later the relationship fails. 2.) An intelligent undergraduate in the field of health convinces herself that she “doesn’t have what it takes” to become a doctor, so she therefore never completes the prerequisites for medical school, and thus never becomes a doctor.
2. Only taking credit for positive outcomes. – This destructive thinking pattern occurs when we take full credit for our successes, but deny responsibility for our failures. A perfect example of this can be witnessed in school classrooms across the globe. When students receive a good grade, they often attribute it to their intelligence and their excellent study habits. But when they get a bad grade, they attribute some of their failure to a bad teacher, an unfair set of test questions, or a subject matter that “isn’t needed in the real world anyway.” The bottom line is that in order for a person to grow emotionally, they must be willing to take full responsibility for all of their actions and outcomes – successes and failures alike.
3. Believing we are immune to temptation. – We have far less control over our impulsive desires than we often believe. Sex, food, and drug addictions are extreme examples of this. Many addicts believe they can quit anytime they want, but in reality they are simply lying to themselves. But you don’t have to be an addict to be vulnerable to temptation. Lots of smart people end up impulsively giving in to temptation simply because it’s the easiest way to get rid of it. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. If someone wants to get rid of sexual desire, the easiest way is to have sex. If someone wants to get rid of hunger pain, the easiest way is to eat. Restraining from impulsive behavior in the face of temptation is not easy; it takes a great deal of self-control. So be careful, because when we have an inflated sense of control over our impulses, we tend to overexpose ourselves to temptation, which in turn promotes the impulsive behavior we want to avoid.
4. Passing a broad judgment from an isolated incident. – An inaccurate first impression is a decent example of this one. It’s about our natural human tendency to evaluate a person or situation from a bird’s eye view, and then presume to know enough to pass a reasonable judgment. This happens a lot in the corporate working world. A newer employee might show up late to work after experiencing legitimate car trouble, but their boss immediately becomes suspicious that they are not committed and responsible, and treats them as such for several weeks thereafter. The obvious solution here is to look at the big picture before you start pointing fingers or making assumptions.
5. Believing we can control the uncontrollable. – This thinking fallacy occurs when people begin to believe that they have some kind of direct influence or power over an external event that is completely random. It is especially evident in the minds of amateur gamblers; especially those who have had a recent string of good luck. For example, if you flipped a coin and asked someone to guess heads or tails, and they got it right ten times in a row, they might begin to believe that their good luck is confirmation that they have control over the outcome of each flip. But the truth is that there is always a 50% probability of their answer being correct, and their last ten guesses were pure luck.
6. Ignoring information that does not support a belief. – Psychologists commonly refer to this as the confirmation bias. We as human beings naturally tend to look for information that confirms and supports our beliefs, and we tend to overlook information that does not. We are selective in the evidence we choose to collect so that we don’t have to challenge our way of thinking, because it’s easier not to. This destructive thinking trap is very common, and it can have detrimental effects on our productivity when we make big decisions based on false information.
7. Beginner’s optimism. – Beginner’s optimism is the human tendency to underestimate the time required to complete an unfamiliar task. It occurs due to a lack of planning and research on behalf of someone who is excited about doing something they have never done before. In other words, when we get assigned a new task that we are anxious to get started on, instead of delaying the start time to accurately evaluate the level of difficulty and resources required, we simply guess and begin. Thus, our expectation of the workload is based on raw optimism instead past experience and reliable data. And it all backfires on us a little later when we find ourselves knee deep in work we were unprepared for.
8. Rebelling simply to prove personal freedom. – Although more common in children, this thinking fallacy can affect people of any age. It’s basically a person’s urge to do something they have been told not to do, for fear that their freedom of choice is being taken away from them. This person may not even want to do whatever they are doing to rebel; however, the simple fact that they are not supposed to do it motivates them to do so anyway. The tactic of reverse psychology is a commonly used method of exploiting this thinking fallacy in others.
9. Judging a person’s capabilities based solely on the way they look. – This happens thousands of times a day worldwide when one person assumes something about another person based on their immediate appearance. For example, someone might see a tall, well groomed man in his early fifties, wearing a business suit, and instantly assume he is successful and reliable, even though there is zero concrete evidence to support this assumption. Bottom line: You can’t judge a book by its cover.
10. Trying to diminish losses by continuing to pursue a previous failure. – Sometimes called the sunk cost fallacy, this is a thinking fault that motivates us to continue to support a previously unsuccessful endeavor. We justify our decision to continue investing in this failed endeavor based on our cumulative prior investment, despite new evidence suggesting that the cost, starting today, of continuing to pursue it outweighs the expected benefit. The logical thing to do would be for us to cut our losses and change our course of action. However, due to the sunk costs we have already invested, we feel committed to the endeavor, so we invest even more time, money and energy into it, hoping that our additional investment will reverse the outcome. But it never will.

If you can relate to some of these destructive thinking faults, and you’re interested in learning more about them, give these books a read. All three are equally incredible:

• Predictably Irrational
• Sway: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior
• How We Decide“

The Three Work Attitudes

Work is a financial necessity for almost everyone, along with the sacrifices work sometimes demands. It can be drudgery. But work also can be fun and exciting. The competition can be energizing. Work can be an important and positive part of our lives.

I learned a lot about this from Amy Wrzesniewski and her work with job crafting (PDF). She describes three attitudes about work — what she calls jobs, careers, and callings. These three attitudes can indicate how satisfied individuals are in the workplace. Identifying your own outlook toward work can help you define what you need — or want — in your professional life.

People with a “jobs” mindset are working for the money and contain their time at work. All of the people I’ve known with this attitude tend to be dissatisfied, finding little meaning in what they do. They also are generally looking for something new.

Careerists work for advancement, pay, and prestige. I’ve seen careerists with widely different levels of happiness and satisfaction. If they think they’re “winning,” they’re happy. But others are concerned they’re not advancing at the pace they want, or they’re not in the role they deserve. While not entirely dissatisfied, they often wonder whether they’re being treated fairly or if there’s something better.

But people with callings are different. They see their work as a positive end in itself. They feel good about what they’re doing. They give more to their work. They get more from it. And here’s a secret about people with callings: Not only are they happy and fulfilled, they’re often very successful, sometimes bringing financial rewards.

Individuals with callings differ because of what they prioritize in their work. Their goals are distinctive in three ways:

1. They emphasize service. People with callings put a higher priority on helping others. Some are guided by the kind of lofty purpose that’s associated with leaders in religion, public service, or charity work. Others operate their businesses to serve their markets in ways that make customers better off.

Brian (names have been changed) is a good example. After finishing his MBA, he got a well-paid position with a socially conscious mutual fund. He liked the fund’s purpose, but he felt little connection between what he did and his desire to improve the planet. Then he had an idea — to provide a new category of food product that would improve diets. Even though his second baby was about to arrive, he took the risk to make this happen. He left the fund to found his own company, knowing he’d be living on his savings. Brian came to life. A decade later, with his products on many retail shelves, Brian remains excited about what he’s doing, how he spends his days, and how it benefits people. It’s a calling.

2. They emphasize craftsmanship. People with callings prioritize what I call craftsmanship. They want to make things happen and to be excellent in their fields, not just because of potential growth in their company but because they believe those things are intrinsically worthwhile.

Take manufacturing CEO Steve. Steve tightly focuses his personal value proposition on what he does best — leading manufacturing companies that need significant improvement in operations. Steve spots the complexity in operational processes before most others do. In a senior position, he’s had to learn how to become more than just a thinker; he’s learned how to mobilize and how to teach. That’s the only kind of position he’ll consider — both to continue his high performance and to deepen his expertise. Steve’s a craftsman.

3. They de-emphasize money. In making career decisions, people with callings push money to the background, instead choosing to focus on what a new role has to offer beyond its monetary rewards. No one I’ve known with a calling has had income as one of their top career objectives.

Nathan’s emphasis on service and accomplishment replaced his need for a significant paycheck. His childhood interest in education grew stronger in college when he saw the challenges facing children in urban schools. He became a teacher in a low income school and was excited to see the impact he was having on his students and their families. He declined promotions in the school system that would have increased his pay but taken him away from these students. He only moved to headquarters when the new role offered broad influence in teaching across multiple schools. Two years later, the school district promoted him to principal at the young age of 29.

Most people want the job satisfaction that comes with having a calling. If you see your work as merely a job or career, ask yourself if your outlook or priorities need to change. One route may be to redefine your tasks (PDF) or the way you think about your work to put greater emphasis on service and on craftsmanship. If you can reconfigure your work like this, you may find a calling or at least greater meaning and happiness. If you can’t, then it may be time to think about finding another position.

What else should you emphasize — or de-emphasize — to make your work more satisfying?